I WANT!

Bridezilla-esque request #1:
I want 12 dogs with heart-shaped markings to mingle with the guests during cocktail hour. We can start with these two from Japan. I'll paint the other 10 if need be.

Slimfast Can Bite Me

July has been a long stressful month for me. I've been working crazy long hours at work and have had to attend a number of cocktail parties, so needless to say my diet and exercise routine has been less than stellar. Add to that my Starbucks habit that tends to spiral out of control during times of stress and things only got worse. Not only are the calories unneeded, the espresso makes me crazy. During one caffeine induced bout of anxiety I texted my mom, "I'm worried I won't be able to fit into my dress."

In hindsight, I know I was being crazy. The wedding is still 9 months away and my dress won't even be fitted until 6 months from now. And once I got back to the gym I stepped on the scale and I've gained 3, maybe 4 lbs. As my friend Zipporah said, "that's just water weight, don't worry." Or as Big Dave more elegantly put it, "I take bigger shits than that, you'll be fine." Point being, I'll get back on track with my regular routine and I'll be back to my good ole self in a couple of weeks. The dress will fit. Everything will be fine. And even if I keep the "weight" on I'm sure I would look great.

Which is why wedding propaganda like this Slimfast ad from 2001 is so infuriating. Thanks, Slimfast, for trying to make me feel bad about myself. Thanks for feeding into the crazy.

Yep, he's Laotian

From a meeting with a potential wedding officiant:

"Do you have any special family traditions? Heritage we need to honor? Mark, um, what are you?"

Recessionista bride: Bring on the fries!

Apparently faux junk food is oh-so-trendy for brides planning during our current economic climate.

From a New York Times article today:
“No one wants to be vulgar,” said Susan Holland, a party planner who has arranged weddings in Los Angeles. “No one wants the perception of abundance. A lot of people, their friends don’t have what they used to and they don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

Enter the french fry cones. And the gourmet Hostess cupcakes. And, a selection from my preferred caterer: amuse bouche sliders. Yum.

10 Worst Father / Daughter Dance Songs

Jezebel.com recently ran an article on the Top 10 Worst Wedding Songs which inspired me to take it a twisted step further: Top 10 Worst Father / Daughter Dance songs.

1. "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" Maurice Chevalier
The particularly pervy version that comes immediately to mind is from My Father the Hero. Gérard Depardieu and Katherine Heigl before she was famous-- check it out. The premise is unsettling.

2. "Love In An Elevator" Aerosmith
I know, this one is out of left field, but Mark always brings this up as a suggestion. I guess it's the most inappropriate song he can think of.

3. "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" Neil Diamond
4. "Like A Virgin" Madonna
These songs come in handy for very young brides that haven't had "the talk" yet.

5. "Brown Eyed Girl" Van Morrrison
6. "Tiny Dancer" Elton John
Two sing-along favorites.... about whorin'.

7. "Sexual Healing" Marvin Gaye
Ew. Gross.

8. "Landslide" Fleetwood Mac
This seems to be a favorite song choice on wedding sites, but has anyone actually looked at the lyrics?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you

Yes, Daddy, it's all about you.

9. "Butterfly Kisses" Bob Carlisle
Another cringe-worthy favorite for those who don't understand metaphors. I believe the song actually uses the term "Father / Daughter Dance" in the lyrics.

10. "Don't Call Me Daughter" Pearl Jam
The title is pretty self-explanatory.

Note: For those of you looking looking to keep the vomit to a minimum, Offbeatbride.com has put together a great compilation of non-sappy father / daughter dance songs.

Herding cats: Adventures in wedding planning

I am by no means a bridezilla. I'm not that picky about the details. I don't care about napkin colors or flower arrangements. I don't need things to be perfect. SO WHY AM I SO STRESSED?

I've been contemplating this over the past few weeks as I've endured nightmares about venue chairs and non-veggie empanadas and I've decided it comes down to one thing: Wedding vendors are like god damn, crazy cats!

I need a wedding vendor that's like a dog- happy to see me, fetches me what I want, obeys my every command. Instead I'm dealing with vendors that do what they want, when they want, with no regard to me or my schedule. I want a full vegetarian menu? Too bad, I'm getting some dead birds and I better like it. Need a quote by the end of the week? Well, they'll get around to it. I feel like I'm trying to lure Black Mamba (my cat) out from under the bed: "Please, please, caterer. If you just give me a quote I'll give you a treat." I just wish I knew the wedding vendor equivalent of "getting the broom."

It takes a whole laundry list of people to put together a wedding- even a small wedding. You've got the venue coordinator, caterers, photographers, florists, a minister, dj, dressmaker, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker. And from my experience so far, every single one is completely unpredictable. I'm going to end up like these guys trying to wrangle everyone together. I better find my cowboy boots and lasso.

Tastes like chicken: Wedding hulk out #1

At a recent tasting, the caterer fed us chicken. Mark and I are both vegetarian and had told them so several times. Whoopsy.